Don's Best Story of the Week

(By the way, the word for today is disputatious, given to arguing or starting an argument. For example, the disputatious swim coach who could give you an argument on just about anything.)


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out by a woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Been offline due to a long bout of the flu and/or sinus infection. Hope everyone else is healthy, or I will suspect poisoned bagels after our "field trip" last weekend! Looking forward to seeing all of you and laughing, my immune system needs the boost.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER (Submitted by Don)

• 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
• 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
• 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
• 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ' Because I said so, that's why.'
• 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
• 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
• 7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
• 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
• 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
• 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
• 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
• 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
• 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
• 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
• 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
• 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
• 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
• 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
• 19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
• 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
• 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
• 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
• 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
• 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
• 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Cellular-itis

(Ah, my memories of one year ago)

• We had a fun trip Saturday morning to Spring Grove, and nobody was committed (as in against their will). Scott brought both of his daughters to breakfast and Dr. Mike was a gracious host. Mazel Tov to Jeff on the Bar Mitzvah of his son, Joey, last weekend. While I'm sure that Joey did a great job with the ceremony, most of the guys raved about the fun sports theme party held later that evening. (See Scott for details about the delicious ballpark food - that man could have been a food critic).

• But it was back to Sam's on Sunday morning. The conversation turned to cell phones, where there clearly was a division along age lines. While some younger folks use cell phones exclusively and don't even have land lines at home, others carry cell phones around but never turn them on.......to save the batteries! (Bill commented that he hoped Jack wasn't similarly saving the batteries in his new pacemaker) They plan to use cell phones only in case of emergency - their own emergency - since you can't call them if YOU are in trouble. One reportedly keeps her cell phone at home....charging. Her husband calls it occasionally and leaves messages that he could be talking to her IF the phone was with her. When Pat's daughter Jo Ann came in, she immediately accused her mother of never turning her cell phone on either. However, Gladys just paid her cell phone bill for the year, and she only owed $11. Maybe keeping the phone off has some rewards.

• In conclusion, here is your vocabulary lesson. A cell phone that is turned off or left at home is, in many words: useless, abortive, bootless, counterproductive, disadvantageous, dysfunctional, expendable, feckless, fruitless, futile, good-for-nothing*, hopeless, idle, impracticable, impractical, incompetent, ineffective, ineffectual, inept, inoperative, inutile, meaningless, no good, nonfunctional, pointless, profitless, purposeless, scrap, stupid*, unavailable, unavailing, unfunctional, unproductive, unprofitable, unpurposed, unusable, unworkable, vain, valueless, waste, weak, and/or worthless.